(Click to enlarge.)
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Stabilo Erasable Pens
(Click to enlarge.)
Advertising Agency: Grey Hong Kong
Executive Creative Director: Keith Ho
Creative Director: Paul Chan
Art Director: V Lau
Copywriters: Paul Chan, Kennex Ma
Monday, February 25, 2008
A school not to be missed
I was trying to help my son look into colleges, and yesterday he handed me the phone, really excited, and said, "You have got to speak with these guys." I fumbled the phone, picked it up, and heard, "--online. We offer perhaps the best-rounded of degrees, and from day one our students are equipped with a top-of-the-line Dell running up-to-the-minute Vista. Besides the ins and outs of Office 2007, we address back-end issues, giving students a grounding in Visual Basic .NET, striking the right balance between "reach" and "rich," and a thorough groundings in Flash-based design and web design optimized for the latest version of Internet Explorer. Throw in an MCSE, and marketing-based communication instruction that harnesses the full power of PowerPoint and covers the most effective ways to make use of animated pop-ups, opt-in subscriber lists, and--"
I interrupted. "Excuse me, but what is your institution *called*?"
"The Aristocrats."
Free strips of paper
(Click to enlarge.)
May be used as bookmarks, paper hornets, a healthy snack or even a place to put your boogers.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Consumers Beware: The Home Depot Scam
A "heads up" for you and any friends you have who may be regular Home Depot customers.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot.
You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen April 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
Again - please beware.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Questions I've never been able to answer
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I’ll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its bum."
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on……. Yes, it caught me too!
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Lawyer quotes
Some classic lawyer quotes.
“It is interesting to note that criminals have multiplied of late, and lawyers have also; but I repeat myself.”
Mark Twain, author (1835-1910)
“The law is an ass.”
Charles Dickens, novelist (1812-1870)
“If you don’t get the lawyer who knows the law, then get one who knows the judge.”
Anonymous
“A lawyer with a briefcase can steal more than a thousand men with guns.”
Mario Puzo, author (1920-1999)
“A lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth.”
Patrick Murray, screen actor (1956 - ?)
“Law students are trained in the case method, and to the lawyer everything in life looks like a case.”
Edward Packard, Jr., election administrator (1968 - ?)
“There are three sorts or lawyers – able, unable and lamentable.”
Robert Smith Surtees, English editor, novelist (1803 – 1864)
“Of course people are getting smarter nowadays: they are letting lawyers instead of their conscience be their guide.”
German proverb
“Law is not a profession at all, but rather a business service station and repair ship.”
Adlai Stevenson, politician and diplomat (1900-1965)
“A lawyer's time and advice are his stock and trade.”
Abraham Lincoln, 16th US president (1861-65)
“Appeal: in law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.”
The devil’s dictionary
“Lawsuit: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.”
Ambrose Pierce, editorialist, journalist (1842-1914)
“Be frank and explicit with your lawyer. It’s his business to confuse the issue afterwards.”
Anonymous
“The law is a sort of hocus-pocus science that smiles in your face while it picks your pocket.”
H.L Mencken, journalist, (1880-1956)
“Most attorneys practice the law because it gives then a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand and they feel glorious.”
Milton Berle, comedian and actor (1908-2002)
Via Emmy
A Briton's letter to America
Dear Citizens of America,
In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”
3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.
4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”
6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”,
but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”
8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.
9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables… Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.
12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) - roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.
13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.
14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ear removed with a cheese grater.
17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of Jessies - English slang for “Big Girls Blouse”).
18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.
19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Thursday, February 7, 2008
"I like my women..."
"I like my women like I like my coffee: ground up and in the freezer."
"I like my women like I like my mobile phone: in my room and charging."
"I like my women like I like my mobile phone: in my pocket and set to vibrate."
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
America vs. Japan
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they both felt ready.
The Japanese won by a mile!
Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.
The consultants' finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering. The American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions of dollars spent analyzing the problem, the consulting firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized.
The new structure: Four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year the Japanese won by TWO miles!
Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor work performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Riddles of Alphabet
Mouse-over the blank space next to A: to see the answers!
Q: What letter of the alphabet is an insect?
A: B. (bee)
Q: What letter is a part of the head?
A: I. (eye)
Q: What letter is a drink?
A: T. (tea)
Q: What letter is a body of water?
A: C. (sea)
Q: What letter is a pronoun like "you"?
A: The letter " I "
Q: What letter is a vegetable?
A: P. (pea)
Q: What letter is an exclamation?
A: O. (oh!)
Q: What letter is a European bird?
A: J. (Jay)
Q: What letter is looking for causes ?
A: Y. (why)
Q: What four letters frighten a thief?
A: O.I.C.U. (Oh I see you!)
Q: What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but not once in a thousand years?
A: The letter "m".
Q: Why is the letter "T" like an island ?
A: Because it is in the middle of waTer.
Q: In what way can the letter "A" help a deaf lady?
A: It can make "her" "hear.
Q: Which is the loudest vowel?
A: The letter "I". It is always in the midst of noise.
Q: What way are the letter "A" and "noon" alike?
A: Both of them are in the middle of the "day".
Q: Why is "U" the happiest letter?
A: Because it is in the middle of "fun".
Q: What word of only three syllables contains 26 letters?
A: Alphabet = (26 letters).
Q: What relatives are dependent on "you"?
A: Aunt, uncle, cousin. They all need "U".
Q: What is the end of everything?
A: The letter "g".
Two cows
Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
Man and woman
Q: Why did God create the man before he created the woman?
A1: The answer that men give: To give him the chance to enjoy Heaven on Earth for a few moments.
A2: The answer that women give: Everyone makes a draft first!
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Obscure Compsci Joke of the Day
Q. How many Prolog programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. No.
(Obscure in the extreme. Try telling this joke to computer science masters or PhDs.)
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Police: Crack Found in Man's Buttocks
HAGERSTOWN, Md. (AP) -- Police searching a downtown home found a man hiding 15 plastic bags of crack cocaine in his buttocks.
Source
How did they find it? We leave this as an exercise for the reader.
Ten husbands
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Anniversary gift
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Happy old man
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?”
“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”
“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?’
“Twenty-six!” he said.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Difference between dog and cat
A dog says: "You pet me, you feed me, you shelter me, you love me. You must be God."
A cat says: "You pet me, you feed me, you shelter me, you love me. I must be God."
What tracks?
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be moose tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
Army sales pitch
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?
Godly logic
A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
The man asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
The man asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
Smart Blonde
A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks her to play a game. If he asked her a question that she didn't know the answer to, she would have to pay him five dollars; And every time the blonde asked the lawyer a question that he didn't know the answer to, the lawyer had to pay the blonde 50 dollars. So the lawyer asked the blonde his first question, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without a word the blonde pays the lawyer five dollars. The blonde then asks him, "What goes up a hill with four legs and down a hill with three?" The lawyer thinks about it, but finally gives up and pays the blonde 50 dollars. Then the lawyer asked her what the answer was and without a word the blonde gave the lawyer five dollars.
The Real Genesis
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Detective skills
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
Blonde logic
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Making the city work together
(Click to enlarge.)
Manchester Metroshuttle: Gluing the city-works together
Pain management
Three men, one German, one American, one Saudi meet up in Saudia Arabia. The German and the American managed to smuggle some liquor in with them, and they convince the Saudi to drink as well.
Since drinking is illegal in this country, all three men get caught, sent to jail for seven days, and finally are sentenced to twenty lashes.
The man giving the lashes decides to grant each of the prisoners one request before their punishment.
The German requests that a pillow be strapped to his back. So they strap one to his back, and start flogging him. By the fourth or fifth strike, the pillow's been reduced to shreds, and the German starts screaming.
The American watches this with horror, and requests two pillows to be strapped to his back. Happy to comply, the man straps two to his back and begins flogging. The American starts screaming by the ninth or tenth stroke.
Turning to the Saudi, he says, "Because you are a fellow Muslim, I will give you two requests."
"For my first request, I want to be flogged a hundred times."
"Oh, a brave Saudi man. I am most proud of you. What is your second request?"
"I would like the American strapped to my back."
Smoking animals
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says, “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have some joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says, “Hey, monkey!” The monkey looks down and says, “Dude! How much water did you drink?”
Jesus vs. Satan at computing
Jesus and Satan get into an argument one day about who is the best at computing. Finally, God gets tired of hearing them bicker and decides to have a contest to settle it once and for all.
He sets up a computer for each of them, and gives them each a list of tasks to complete. For hours, Satan and Jesus are clicking away, making spreadsheets, cropping images, setting up Access databases. Satan is nearing his last task, and Jesus is nowhere close.
Suddenly, a bolt of lightning comes out of nowhere and cuts off the power. Satan and Jesus both scramble to get their computers up, and Satan starts feverishly redoing all of his work. A few minutes later, Jesus declares that he's done.
"That's not fair!" protests Satan. "I finished all my work way before him, it's not my fault there was a power outage!"
God simply shrugged. "Jesus saves."
Four nuns
Four nuns were in a car crash and died. They went to the Pearly Gates and stood before St. Peter.
He said, "Before I let you into heaven, I have to make sure you're pure. Have any of you had anything to do with a man's private parts?"
The first said, "I saw a penis once." Peter replied, "Wash your eyes with the holy water from the font and then you can enter heaven."
The second said, "I touched a man's penis once." Peter replied, "Wash your hands in the font and then you can enter heaven."
Just then the fourth cuts in front of the third. Peter asked, "What are you doing?" She replied, "If I have to gargle with that water, I'm going to do it before Sister Ruth sits in it."
Big fish
There is an old priest who goes on a sabbatical up to the mountains. He spends the week fishing, but catches nothing. On the last day he is out fishing with a fishing guide and lands a monster. The fishing guide takes a look and says "That's a big son of a bitch fish!". The priest makes the sign of the cross and says "You can't use that sort of language, i'm a man of the cloth." To which the quick thinking guide says "Oh no father, what you've caught there is a Son of a Bitch fish, that's the name of the fish, and it's a big one!!" "That's Grand!" The priest says and heads back to his church.
When he walks in he is greeted by the Mother Superior who asks "How was your sabbatical father?" "It was grand sister, i caught this big son-of-a-bitch fish!" the priest says as he proudly holds the beast aloft. "I'm a woman of the cloth..." comes the Mother superiors reply "...I dont use that sort of language" as she quickly crosses herself. The priest explains that this is the name of the fish and that it is a big one. "Well that's grand, why don't I gut and clean the fish for you then father?". So the Mother Superior is in the kitchen, cleaning the fish. In walks the monk. The monk says "What's that you've got there sister?" "Why it's a big son-of-a-bitch fish that the father caught on his sabbatical!" "I'm a man of the cloth, i don't use that sort of language" comes his astonished reply, crossing himself at the same time. After hearing the explanation the monk says "Well, we are having the Pope around for dinner tomorrow night, I will cook the fish and prepare it for our main course to serve to the Pope."
The following night, the Pope is sat at the head of the table, turns to the priest and says "How have you been father?". The priest replies "I've been grand thankyou your eminence, I just got back from a sabbatical up in the mountains where I caught a big son-of-a-bitch fish..." Mother Superior interrupts and says "I've cleaned and gutted the big son-of-a-bitch fish..." in walks the monk with the fish all cooked and tastily laid out on their finest platter and says "And i've cooked the big son-of-a-bitch fish for our banquet tonight!"
The Pope looks around in amazed silence.
Then he says "Hey... you know - you cunts are alright!"
Two nuns
Two nuns are riding their bicycles through the streets of Rome on the way to an audience with the Pope. The nun in the lead suddenly turns down an alley. The second nun shouts "Sister, I've never come this way before!" The first nun looks back with a naughty smile and says "It's the cobblestones!"
At the Pearly Gates
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
The next day at 12:01am, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." "No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his REFRIGERATOR, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says, "Please tell me how you died."
The third man says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator..."
Initiation
A guy is forced to live in a remote Eskimo village but is having trouble interacting with the villagers. Finally he corners one of them and asks why they won't talk to him. The villager responds that he has not been initiated as a man.
He asks, "What do I have to do?"
The villager says, "First you have to drink two bottles of Russian Vodka, then you have to go into a cave and kill a polar bear with your bare hands, then to seal your induction into manhood you have to make love for ten hours straight with one of our women."
The man says he will do it. That night there's a big party to initiate the stranger. Everyone sits around the fire and they pass him a bottle of Vodka. He downs about half without much trouble, bet the second half is much more difficult. Finally he finishes it, and they pass him another. He finally manages to finish off the second bottle and the crowd claps and sings. Then he tried to get up but fell over drunk. The chief picks him up and points him in the direction of the polar bear cave. He staggers over and climbs in.
Suddenly there's a huge commotion from within the cave. Bears growling and him screaming and wailing in pain. Finally, ten hours later he stumbles out of the cave, torn to shreds, bloodied, and half dead.
He turns to the crowd and drunkenly says, "Okeee now where's the woman I gotta kill?"
Bush visits India
While visiting India, George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam. He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people.
Bush asks how he knows if they’re intelligent. “I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Kalam. “Allow me to demonstrate.”
Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, “Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?”
Manmohan immediately responds, “It’s me, Sir!”
“Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says Kalam.
He hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Bush?”
Bush nods: “Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!”
Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he’d better put the Condoleezza Rice to the test.
Bush summons her to the White House and says, “Condoleezza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.”
“Why, of course, sir. What’s on your mind?”
Bush poses the question: “Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Rice was puzzled and finally asks, “Can I think about it and get back to you?” Bush agrees, and Rice leaves.
Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally,in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem. “Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?” Powell answers immediately, “It’s me, of course.”
Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, “I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s our Colin Powell!”
And Bush replies in disgust, “Wrong, its Manmohan Singh!”
Mickey divorce
Mickey Mouse wanted to get a divorce from Minnie, so he went to see his lawyer. The lawyer asked Mickey, "On what grounds would you be able to divorce Minnie?" Mickey explained why. The lawyer then said, "I'm sorry Mickey, but you're not going to be able to divorce Minnie simply because she's a little crazy." Mickey replied, "I never said anything about Minnie being a little crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy!"
Australian tour
On a tour of Australia, the Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing.
He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing an All Black rugby jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark. As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Wallabies rugby jerseys.
One quickly fired a harpoon into the sharks side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue semiconscious Kiwi fan from the water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him.
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between Australian and NZ rugby fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope," one replied.
"He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well" the harpooner said, "He may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know shit about shark fishing."
"Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"
Companionship
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are out riding their horsed when a rattlesnake jumps up and bites The Lone Ranger right on the pecker. He falls to the ground in pain. Tonto runs away to get help and asks the medicine man, "What do I do?" The medicine man said "You have to put your mouth over the wound and suck out all of the venom. That is the only way to save his life!"
Tonto runs back to the Lone Ranger. The Lone Ranger asks, "What did the doctor say?"
Replied Tonto, "You're gonna die."
Efficiency
I was eating at a nice restaurant, and I noticed all the waiters had spoons in their breast pockets. I asked my waiter about it, and he replied, "Sir, you're very perceptive. The manager is concerned with efficiency, and he found that the spoon is the utensil customers most often drop. To save time running to the kitchen for extra spoons, we all carry a spare spoon." Surprised but satisfied, I continued with my meal.
Low and behold, I dropped my spoon just a few minutes later! My waiter graciously gave me a spare spoon, when I noticed he had a piece of string hanging out of his fly. Not wanting to draw attention to a possible wardrobe malfunction, I continued eating. As another waiter walked by, I again noticed a piece of string hanging out of his fly (no, I'm not a pervert, I just notice things out of place). I motioned over my waiter and asked him about it.
He said, "Wow sir, you really are perceptive. The manager decided we took too much time washing our hands in the bathroom, so we tie a string around our...members...and use that to help 'bring the airplane out of the hangar' before we urinate."
I said, "Wow, you're manager really IS concerned with efficiency. But...how do you get it back in your pants?"
My waiter leaned over and whispered, "Between you and me, sir.....I use the spoon."
Gal meets guy
A cute white girl meets a black guy at a bar. They get to know each other, and she goes home with him.
Once they get home, they begin to take their clothes off and the girl, taking off his pants, says to the guy, "Prove to me that what they say about black men is true!"
So he stabs her and takes her purse.
Function party
The functions are having a party. Everyone is having fun, except for e to the x off in the corner by himself. The host comes up to him and says, "Enjoy yourself! Integrate!"
e^x responds, "That won't change anything!"
The others continue chatting among themselves. Suddenly, one cries "Watch out! A differentiation operator is coming!"
All immediately hide themselves under the tables, only e^x sits calmly on the chair.
The operator comes in, sees a function and says "Hey, you don't fear me?"
"No, I am e to the x", says the exponential.
"Good for you," replies the operator "I'm d/dy."
Before the diagnosis
A woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
Lady with a baby
This lady with a baby gets on to a bus and the bus driver tells her "That is the ugliest baby I have ever seen! Ugh!"
So the lady walks away angrily not believing what the bus driver just told her. She sits down still upset next to a man and tells him what the bus driver just told her, and the man says, "You know you're right. You go back there and tell him off! Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Two engineers
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Man with seeing-eye dog
A man with a seeing-eye dog walks into a department store. He goes to the middle of the store, grabs the dog by the tail and starts swinging it around his head. Other people look on in awe, and a manager notices and rushes over: "Sir! Can I help you with something?" The blind man replies, "No, just looking around."
The Super Bowl Seat
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No", he said, "the seat is empty". "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl , the biggest sport event in the world, and not use it ?"
Somberly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."
Descartes
René Descartes was sitting in coach on an airplane to France. The stewardess came down the aisle and asked him, "Would you like a drink?" He replied, "Nah, I think not."
And he disappeared.
Barbie shopping
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the salesperson, “How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?”
The salesperson answers, “Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.”
The amazed father asks, “It’s what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?”
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers, “Sir…Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Car, Ken’s House, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Computer and… one of Ken’s Friends.”
Embarrassing condition
A man visits his doctor with an embarrassing condition. His penis is bright orange. After running some inconclusive tests, the doctor is puzzled. "I have to admit, I've never seen anything like this before. Do you work with any exotic chemicals?"
"Actually," the patient replies, "I've been retired for a few years now."
"So, what do you do with your time?"
"Well, lately I've just been watching porn and eating Cheetos."
Dogs talking
Pitbull, Spaniel and German Shepherd are in the Pound. Pitbull asks Spaniel, "Hey bitch, what you in for?"
"My master went to work and I got nervous, so I chewed up the furniture." says Spaniel, "I'm in to get fixed."
"Ouch." Says Shepherd, "What about you Pitbull, what are you in for?"
"Well," says Pitbull, all bored, "My master has a daughter, and the bitch got a little too close to my food dish, so I had to chew her face off. I'm here to be put to sleep."
"Rough." Says Shepherd and Spaniel, "Rough."
"What about you Shepherd?" says Spaniel.
"Well," says Shepherd, "my master is a fine blonde, and she was wearing just a T-shirt. She bends over to pick up a sock, and I mounted her."
"Really?" says Pitbull, no longer bored.
"Yeah," says Shepherd, "I'm here to get my claws trimmed."
Make a wish in the bar
A guy walks into a bar and sees a tiny man, about a foot tall, playing a tiny piano on the end of the bar. Astonished, the guy says, "Wow, where did you get this little piano player from?"
The bartender shrugs and puts an old, dusty bottle onto the bar. "Genie in the bottle. Rub the bottle three times, he'll come out, and you can make a wish."
The guy rubs the bottle, out comes the genie, and asks him what his wish is. The guy already knows his wish: "I want the sexiest girl ever to appear right here, right now, and take me into the back room and make sweet love to me for the rest of the night."
The genie snaps his fingers, and poof! out of thin air appears a gorilla, who wastes no time in grabbing the guy and dragging him into the back.
"Wait!" shouts the guy. "I said girl, not gorilla!"
"Yep," said the bartender. "And if you think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist, you're crazy."
Buddha and the hot dog vendor
What did the Buddha say to the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything."
After the vendor took his money and gave Buddha his hot dog, Buddha asked, "What about my change?"
The vendor said, "Change comes from within"
Two hunters
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Scientists at the ocean
A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist all go to the ocean to study it for the first time. The physicist sees the waves and the current and the structures the wind has carved out in the dunes and exclaimed, 'look at all of the physics at work, i simply must study it!' and promptly runs into the ocean and drowns. The biologist notices the complex ecosystem living off of each other in the ocean and yells excitedly, 'imagine all of the undiscovered species in this water!' and runs into the ocean to immediately drown. The chemist pulls out his notepad and pen and slowly writes 'physicists and biologists dissolve in water.'
Hotel fires
A mathematician, an engineer, a physicist, and a web designer are all in a hotel. In the middle of the night, a fire breaks out on their floor. The fire spreads to each of their rooms.
The engineer wakes up and sees the fire. He rushes to the tub, repeatedly fills his ice tub with water and throws it everywhere until he manages to get the fire out in his room. Satisfied, he goes back to bed.
The physicist wakes up as well and sees the fire. He grabs a pad of paper, quickly scribbles out some equations, fills a cup with water and dumps it on just the right spot to put out the fire. Satisfied, he goes back to bed.
The mathematician wakes and sees the fire. He grabs a pad of paper, quickly scribbles out some equations and yells out "Aha! A solution exists." Satisfied, he goes back to bed.
The web designer saw the fire but couldn't get out of his bedroom to put it out because the table randomly floated its way in front of the doorway. Then the table randomly expanded, broke into pieces, and impaled him against the wall.
Meanwhile, the statistician goes from room to room and lights fires.
Pet monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No. What did that stupid monkey do this time?" says the patron.
"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender.
"Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he's been driving me nuts" says the patron.
The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it," says the bartender.
"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that darn cue ball he measures everything first!"
Pub boastings
Two guys are in the pub having a chat. Dave is enthusiastically relating his latest sexual experience.
"Yeah - so as I was walking home the other night, I crossed the train tracks and to my surprise there was a lady tied to the tracks, you know, just like in the old movies. I rushed over to and untied her moments before the next train came through. Soon enough I found myself in the bushes next to the track making sweet, sweet love to her for hours, in all positions. She banged like a dunny door in a cyclone."
"Wow!" exclaimed Steve. "How lucky was that? Did you get a good blow job?"
Dave looked up from his beer and sheepishly replied "Nah, mate. I couldn't find her head."
Two atoms
Two atoms walking down the street happen to collide into one another. The first one exclaims, "Oh no! I think I've lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" says the second atom.
"Yes, I'm positive!"
Just then, a chlorine atom walks up to them and says, "Yeah? I'm the one who took your electron. You gonna try to take it back?"
"No, I don't want to be reduced to your level."
Bank conversation
An Asian lady goes to the bank and says to the bank teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunned dolla fo yen. Today I get hunned eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller says, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too."
Presidential briefing
One day, the U.S. Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, is giving President Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
Little Billy
Little Billy wakes up in the middle of the night and hears strange sounds coming from his parents' bedroom. He sneaks up and nudges open the door, and sure enough, Mom's got her legs wide open and Dad is plowing her like there's no tomorrow. Billy sees this, gasps and runs away.
Dad just chuckles, but Mom slaps him and says "Dear, you'd better go and talk to Billy, I'm afraid we've upset him!"
Dad walks down the hall to Billy's room, and nobody's there. So he walks further down the hall and hears strange noises from the guest room. So he sneaks up and nudges the door open to find little Billy pumping away, fucking his grandmother hard in the ass.
Dad shouts "Billy! What the hell is wrong with you!"
Billy looks over his shoulder and replies "Yeah, not so funny when it's YOUR mom, is it?"
Helping another
I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
Army experience
A dad was telling his son about his worst day in the army. "It was the day we had to parachute from a plane," he starts. "When it got to be my turn, I looked down at the ground and said to myself there's no way I'm going to jump. Well, my Sargeant was the meanest SOB I've ever met, and he said 'Boy if you don't jump I'm gonna drop your pants and violate you right here and now.'"
The boy asks "Well did you jump?"
"A little bit, at first."
Smart Salesman
There was a guy trying to get a job. He had been looking for a job for weeks and hadn't found one. One day he is looking through the paper and sees one for a toothbrush salesman. He goes for a job interview and miraculously he gets it. So the boss tells him and 2 other new employees that they have to go out and sell as many toothbrushes as possible. So he goes out the first day and comes back at the end of the day.
The boss asks him how he did. He says, "Well sir, I didn't do very good today, I only sold 15 toothbrushes." The boss is extremely ill about this, and tells him that's just not good enough. The man begs for just another chance. To which the boss agrees. So he goes out the next day to sell more toothbrushes. Comes back and the boss says "Well how'd you do today?" The guy says, "not so good boss. I only sold 20 toothbrushes today." The boss is once again angered by this saying, "20!? thats just not gonna cut it." The man begs for just one more chance. The boss finally agrees.
So the man goes out and comes back at the end of the day and the boss says "Well?" the man says "Well boss, today I sold 800 toothbrushes." The boss is amazed, he says "800!? You only sold 15 the first day, 20 the second, how did you manage to sell 800 toothbrushes today?" The man says, "Well sir, I was at the mall and I had this idea. And so I set up this stand with a sign that said 'Free Candy'. And people would come up and eat the candy and they'd say, "This candy tastes like shit!" and I would say, "It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
CIA Qualifications
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took the first man to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!"
"You can't be serious," said the man, "I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried," he said, "but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes; take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another, until the clip was empty. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "Somebody loaded the gun with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Hunting in the forest
A hunter creeps through the forest. He eventually spots a black bear in a clearing. Carefully he takes aim and shoots the bear. He is congratulating himself when he feels a tap on his shoulder.
Turning around, he sees a massive brown bear behind him. "That was a terrible thing you did," says the brown bear, "and now you must pay the price. I will either rip you apart or rape you in the butt. Your choice." The hunter thinks for a moment, then drops his pants and bends over.
An hour later, the hunter staggers from the forest and limps to the hospital. The next day he hobbles home, thinking only of revenge on the bear. Soon he is back in the forest, stalking the bear. He eventually sees it by a river, and quickly he shoots it dead.
"Yes!" yells the hunter as he feels the thrill of revenge. But then, without warning, he feels a tap on his shoulder. Turning around slowly, he sees a gargantuan grizzly bear behind him.
"You have done a terrible thing," intones the bear in a deep voice, "now you have a choice: either I maul you to death, or I rape you in the butt." Shuddering, the hunter drops his pants and bends over.
Three hours later, the hunter crawls from the forest. He is released from the hospital after a week of anal surgeries to fix his colon. He thought of nothing but revenge on the grizzly bear during the ordeal. Now, he is back in the woods, looking for the grizzly.
He spots it catching salmon, and shoots it down from the forest. "Haha!" yells the hunter, jumping up and down. But then he feels a tap on his shoulder.
Quickly the hunter spins around, unable to believe what is happening. "No!" he screams in disbelief, for there is a gigantic polar bear right behind him. "Hey buddy," says the polar bear, "I'm starting to think you don't come here for the hunting."
Who is the best
Racehorses are fighting in a stable over who is the best racehorse.
The first horse says, "I'm the best because I've won 20 of my last 80 races."
The second horse says, "That's nothing, I've won forty of my last 60."
The third horse says, "I've won everyone of my 55 races."
Then a greyhound walks up and says, "I've won 180 consecutive races."
The horses' jaws drop. Finally one of the horses says, "Holy shit! A talking dog."
How to leave the planet
How to leave the planet:
1) Phone NASA. Their phone number is (713) 483-3111. Explain that it's very important that you get away as soon as possible.
2) If they do not cooperate, phone any friend you may have in the White House - (202) 456-1414 - to have a word on your behalf with the guys at NASA.
3) If you don't have any friends in the White House, phone the Kremlin (ask the overseas operator for 0107-095-295-9051). They don't have any friends there either (at least, none to speak of), but they do seem to have a little influence, so you may as well try.
4) If that also fails, phone the Pope for guidance. His telephone number is 011-39-6-6982, and I gather his switchboard is infallible.
5) If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer and explain that it's vitally important you get away before your phone bill arrives.
(by KyjL from reddit.com)
Music theory
A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development."
This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest—and closes the bar.
Good and bad news
An old man goes to his doctor. The doctor says, "I got some bad news for you. You have cancer, and you have Alzheimer's." And the old man says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."
Sexual organ
Are the buttocks a sexual organ, as the FCC asserted? Many argue it is in fact not an organ, but...
From dictionary.com:
or·gan /ˈɔrgən/ Pronunciation[awr-guhn] –noun 1. a musical instrument consisting of one or more sets of pipes sounded by means of compressed air, played by means of one or more keyboards, and capable of producing a wide range of musical effects.
I don't know about keyboards, but the "compressed air ... producing a wide range of musical effects" part seems to match well.
Hospital conversation
A guy and a girl get on an elevator in a hospital. The guy hits three, and asks the girl "which floor?" to which she replies "Four, please."
Making conversation, the girl says "I'm here to give blood. What are you here for?"
The guy says "I'm actually here to donate sperm. They give me eighty dollars for it."
The girl goes, "Huh. I only get ten dollars for giving plasma." They get off the elevators on their respective floors.
The next week, the same guy gets on the elevator to go give sperm again. Lo and behold, the same girl gets on. "Nice to see you again. What floor, miss?"
"Mmmmph!", she says, and holds up three fingers.
Mushroom
A mushroom walks into a bar, but the bouncer stops him.
"We don't serve your kind here."
"Why not? I'm a fun guy!"
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