Four nuns

Four nuns were in a car crash and died. They went to the Pearly Gates and stood before St. Peter.

He said, "Before I let you into heaven, I have to make sure you're pure. Have any of you had anything to do with a man's private parts?"

The first said, "I saw a penis once." Peter replied, "Wash your eyes with the holy water from the font and then you can enter heaven."

The second said, "I touched a man's penis once." Peter replied, "Wash your hands in the font and then you can enter heaven."

Just then the fourth cuts in front of the third. Peter asked, "What are you doing?" She replied, "If I have to gargle with that water, I'm going to do it before Sister Ruth sits in it."

Big fish

There is an old priest who goes on a sabbatical up to the mountains. He spends the week fishing, but catches nothing. On the last day he is out fishing with a fishing guide and lands a monster. The fishing guide takes a look and says "That's a big son of a bitch fish!". The priest makes the sign of the cross and says "You can't use that sort of language, i'm a man of the cloth." To which the quick thinking guide says "Oh no father, what you've caught there is a Son of a Bitch fish, that's the name of the fish, and it's a big one!!" "That's Grand!" The priest says and heads back to his church.

When he walks in he is greeted by the Mother Superior who asks "How was your sabbatical father?" "It was grand sister, i caught this big son-of-a-bitch fish!" the priest says as he proudly holds the beast aloft. "I'm a woman of the cloth..." comes the Mother superiors reply "...I dont use that sort of language" as she quickly crosses herself. The priest explains that this is the name of the fish and that it is a big one. "Well that's grand, why don't I gut and clean the fish for you then father?". So the Mother Superior is in the kitchen, cleaning the fish. In walks the monk. The monk says "What's that you've got there sister?" "Why it's a big son-of-a-bitch fish that the father caught on his sabbatical!" "I'm a man of the cloth, i don't use that sort of language" comes his astonished reply, crossing himself at the same time. After hearing the explanation the monk says "Well, we are having the Pope around for dinner tomorrow night, I will cook the fish and prepare it for our main course to serve to the Pope."

The following night, the Pope is sat at the head of the table, turns to the priest and says "How have you been father?". The priest replies "I've been grand thankyou your eminence, I just got back from a sabbatical up in the mountains where I caught a big son-of-a-bitch fish..." Mother Superior interrupts and says "I've cleaned and gutted the big son-of-a-bitch fish..." in walks the monk with the fish all cooked and tastily laid out on their finest platter and says "And i've cooked the big son-of-a-bitch fish for our banquet tonight!"

The Pope looks around in amazed silence.

Then he says "Hey... you know - you cunts are alright!"