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Sneezing Panda

Two cows

Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

Difference between dog and cat

A dog says: "You pet me, you feed me, you shelter me, you love me. You must be God."

A cat says: "You pet me, you feed me, you shelter me, you love me. I must be God."

Smoking animals

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says, “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have some joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.

He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says, “Hey, monkey!” The monkey looks down and says, “Dude! How much water did you drink?”

Dogs talking

Pitbull, Spaniel and German Shepherd are in the Pound. Pitbull asks Spaniel, "Hey bitch, what you in for?"

"My master went to work and I got nervous, so I chewed up the furniture." says Spaniel, "I'm in to get fixed."

"Ouch." Says Shepherd, "What about you Pitbull, what are you in for?"

"Well," says Pitbull, all bored, "My master has a daughter, and the bitch got a little too close to my food dish, so I had to chew her face off. I'm here to be put to sleep."

"Rough." Says Shepherd and Spaniel, "Rough."

"What about you Shepherd?" says Spaniel.

"Well," says Shepherd, "my master is a fine blonde, and she was wearing just a T-shirt. She bends over to pick up a sock, and I mounted her."

"Really?" says Pitbull, no longer bored.

"Yeah," says Shepherd, "I'm here to get my claws trimmed."

Hunting in the forest

A hunter creeps through the forest. He eventually spots a black bear in a clearing. Carefully he takes aim and shoots the bear. He is congratulating himself when he feels a tap on his shoulder.

Turning around, he sees a massive brown bear behind him. "That was a terrible thing you did," says the brown bear, "and now you must pay the price. I will either rip you apart or rape you in the butt. Your choice." The hunter thinks for a moment, then drops his pants and bends over.

An hour later, the hunter staggers from the forest and limps to the hospital. The next day he hobbles home, thinking only of revenge on the bear. Soon he is back in the forest, stalking the bear. He eventually sees it by a river, and quickly he shoots it dead.

"Yes!" yells the hunter as he feels the thrill of revenge. But then, without warning, he feels a tap on his shoulder. Turning around slowly, he sees a gargantuan grizzly bear behind him.

"You have done a terrible thing," intones the bear in a deep voice, "now you have a choice: either I maul you to death, or I rape you in the butt." Shuddering, the hunter drops his pants and bends over.

Three hours later, the hunter crawls from the forest. He is released from the hospital after a week of anal surgeries to fix his colon. He thought of nothing but revenge on the grizzly bear during the ordeal. Now, he is back in the woods, looking for the grizzly.

He spots it catching salmon, and shoots it down from the forest. "Haha!" yells the hunter, jumping up and down. But then he feels a tap on his shoulder.

Quickly the hunter spins around, unable to believe what is happening. "No!" he screams in disbelief, for there is a gigantic polar bear right behind him. "Hey buddy," says the polar bear, "I'm starting to think you don't come here for the hunting."