Make a wish in the bar

A guy walks into a bar and sees a tiny man, about a foot tall, playing a tiny piano on the end of the bar. Astonished, the guy says, "Wow, where did you get this little piano player from?"

The bartender shrugs and puts an old, dusty bottle onto the bar. "Genie in the bottle. Rub the bottle three times, he'll come out, and you can make a wish."

The guy rubs the bottle, out comes the genie, and asks him what his wish is. The guy already knows his wish: "I want the sexiest girl ever to appear right here, right now, and take me into the back room and make sweet love to me for the rest of the night."

The genie snaps his fingers, and poof! out of thin air appears a gorilla, who wastes no time in grabbing the guy and dragging him into the back.

"Wait!" shouts the guy. "I said girl, not gorilla!"

"Yep," said the bartender. "And if you think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist, you're crazy."

Pet monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No. What did that stupid monkey do this time?" says the patron.

"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender.

"Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he's been driving me nuts" says the patron.

The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it," says the bartender.

"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that darn cue ball he measures everything first!"

Music theory

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development."

This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.

The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest—and closes the bar.

Mushroom

A mushroom walks into a bar, but the bouncer stops him.

"We don't serve your kind here."

"Why not? I'm a fun guy!"