National Spelling Bee

Pain management

Three men, one German, one American, one Saudi meet up in Saudia Arabia. The German and the American managed to smuggle some liquor in with them, and they convince the Saudi to drink as well.

Since drinking is illegal in this country, all three men get caught, sent to jail for seven days, and finally are sentenced to twenty lashes.

The man giving the lashes decides to grant each of the prisoners one request before their punishment.

The German requests that a pillow be strapped to his back. So they strap one to his back, and start flogging him. By the fourth or fifth strike, the pillow's been reduced to shreds, and the German starts screaming.

The American watches this with horror, and requests two pillows to be strapped to his back. Happy to comply, the man straps two to his back and begins flogging. The American starts screaming by the ninth or tenth stroke.

Turning to the Saudi, he says, "Because you are a fellow Muslim, I will give you two requests."

"For my first request, I want to be flogged a hundred times."

"Oh, a brave Saudi man. I am most proud of you. What is your second request?"

"I would like the American strapped to my back."

Initiation

A guy is forced to live in a remote Eskimo village but is having trouble interacting with the villagers. Finally he corners one of them and asks why they won't talk to him. The villager responds that he has not been initiated as a man.

He asks, "What do I have to do?"

The villager says, "First you have to drink two bottles of Russian Vodka, then you have to go into a cave and kill a polar bear with your bare hands, then to seal your induction into manhood you have to make love for ten hours straight with one of our women."

The man says he will do it. That night there's a big party to initiate the stranger. Everyone sits around the fire and they pass him a bottle of Vodka. He downs about half without much trouble, bet the second half is much more difficult. Finally he finishes it, and they pass him another. He finally manages to finish off the second bottle and the crowd claps and sings. Then he tried to get up but fell over drunk. The chief picks him up and points him in the direction of the polar bear cave. He staggers over and climbs in.

Suddenly there's a huge commotion from within the cave. Bears growling and him screaming and wailing in pain. Finally, ten hours later he stumbles out of the cave, torn to shreds, bloodied, and half dead.

He turns to the crowd and drunkenly says, "Okeee now where's the woman I gotta kill?"

Australian tour

On a tour of Australia, the Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing.

He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing an All Black rugby jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark. As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Wallabies rugby jerseys.

One quickly fired a harpoon into the sharks side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue semiconscious Kiwi fan from the water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him.

"I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between Australian and NZ rugby fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," one replied.

"He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well" the harpooner said, "He may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know shit about shark fishing."

"Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"

Gal meets guy

A cute white girl meets a black guy at a bar. They get to know each other, and she goes home with him.

Once they get home, they begin to take their clothes off and the girl, taking off his pants, says to the guy, "Prove to me that what they say about black men is true!"

So he stabs her and takes her purse.

Bank conversation

An Asian lady goes to the bank and says to the bank teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunned dolla fo yen. Today I get hunned eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too."