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Pranked telemarketer call

Consumers Beware: The Home Depot Scam

A "heads up" for you and any friends you have who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen April 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

Again - please beware.

National Spelling Bee

"I like my women..."

"I like my women like I like my coffee: ground up and in the freezer."

"I like my women like I like my mobile phone: in my room and charging."

"I like my women like I like my mobile phone: in my pocket and set to vibrate."

Doug Stanhope - MySpace Pedophiles

How not to arrange magazines

Coincidence or genius?



Source

Police: Crack Found in Man's Buttocks

HAGERSTOWN, Md. (AP) -- Police searching a downtown home found a man hiding 15 plastic bags of crack cocaine in his buttocks.

Source

How did they find it? We leave this as an exercise for the reader.

Ten husbands

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Four nuns

Four nuns were in a car crash and died. They went to the Pearly Gates and stood before St. Peter.

He said, "Before I let you into heaven, I have to make sure you're pure. Have any of you had anything to do with a man's private parts?"

The first said, "I saw a penis once." Peter replied, "Wash your eyes with the holy water from the font and then you can enter heaven."

The second said, "I touched a man's penis once." Peter replied, "Wash your hands in the font and then you can enter heaven."

Just then the fourth cuts in front of the third. Peter asked, "What are you doing?" She replied, "If I have to gargle with that water, I'm going to do it before Sister Ruth sits in it."

Big fish

There is an old priest who goes on a sabbatical up to the mountains. He spends the week fishing, but catches nothing. On the last day he is out fishing with a fishing guide and lands a monster. The fishing guide takes a look and says "That's a big son of a bitch fish!". The priest makes the sign of the cross and says "You can't use that sort of language, i'm a man of the cloth." To which the quick thinking guide says "Oh no father, what you've caught there is a Son of a Bitch fish, that's the name of the fish, and it's a big one!!" "That's Grand!" The priest says and heads back to his church.

When he walks in he is greeted by the Mother Superior who asks "How was your sabbatical father?" "It was grand sister, i caught this big son-of-a-bitch fish!" the priest says as he proudly holds the beast aloft. "I'm a woman of the cloth..." comes the Mother superiors reply "...I dont use that sort of language" as she quickly crosses herself. The priest explains that this is the name of the fish and that it is a big one. "Well that's grand, why don't I gut and clean the fish for you then father?". So the Mother Superior is in the kitchen, cleaning the fish. In walks the monk. The monk says "What's that you've got there sister?" "Why it's a big son-of-a-bitch fish that the father caught on his sabbatical!" "I'm a man of the cloth, i don't use that sort of language" comes his astonished reply, crossing himself at the same time. After hearing the explanation the monk says "Well, we are having the Pope around for dinner tomorrow night, I will cook the fish and prepare it for our main course to serve to the Pope."

The following night, the Pope is sat at the head of the table, turns to the priest and says "How have you been father?". The priest replies "I've been grand thankyou your eminence, I just got back from a sabbatical up in the mountains where I caught a big son-of-a-bitch fish..." Mother Superior interrupts and says "I've cleaned and gutted the big son-of-a-bitch fish..." in walks the monk with the fish all cooked and tastily laid out on their finest platter and says "And i've cooked the big son-of-a-bitch fish for our banquet tonight!"

The Pope looks around in amazed silence.

Then he says "Hey... you know - you cunts are alright!"

Two nuns

Two nuns are riding their bicycles through the streets of Rome on the way to an audience with the Pope. The nun in the lead suddenly turns down an alley. The second nun shouts "Sister, I've never come this way before!" The first nun looks back with a naughty smile and says "It's the cobblestones!"

Initiation

A guy is forced to live in a remote Eskimo village but is having trouble interacting with the villagers. Finally he corners one of them and asks why they won't talk to him. The villager responds that he has not been initiated as a man.

He asks, "What do I have to do?"

The villager says, "First you have to drink two bottles of Russian Vodka, then you have to go into a cave and kill a polar bear with your bare hands, then to seal your induction into manhood you have to make love for ten hours straight with one of our women."

The man says he will do it. That night there's a big party to initiate the stranger. Everyone sits around the fire and they pass him a bottle of Vodka. He downs about half without much trouble, bet the second half is much more difficult. Finally he finishes it, and they pass him another. He finally manages to finish off the second bottle and the crowd claps and sings. Then he tried to get up but fell over drunk. The chief picks him up and points him in the direction of the polar bear cave. He staggers over and climbs in.

Suddenly there's a huge commotion from within the cave. Bears growling and him screaming and wailing in pain. Finally, ten hours later he stumbles out of the cave, torn to shreds, bloodied, and half dead.

He turns to the crowd and drunkenly says, "Okeee now where's the woman I gotta kill?"

Mickey divorce

Mickey Mouse wanted to get a divorce from Minnie, so he went to see his lawyer. The lawyer asked Mickey, "On what grounds would you be able to divorce Minnie?" Mickey explained why. The lawyer then said, "I'm sorry Mickey, but you're not going to be able to divorce Minnie simply because she's a little crazy." Mickey replied, "I never said anything about Minnie being a little crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy!"

Two engineers

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Embarrassing condition

A man visits his doctor with an embarrassing condition. His penis is bright orange. After running some inconclusive tests, the doctor is puzzled. "I have to admit, I've never seen anything like this before. Do you work with any exotic chemicals?"

"Actually," the patient replies, "I've been retired for a few years now."

"So, what do you do with your time?"

"Well, lately I've just been watching porn and eating Cheetos."

Dogs talking

Pitbull, Spaniel and German Shepherd are in the Pound. Pitbull asks Spaniel, "Hey bitch, what you in for?"

"My master went to work and I got nervous, so I chewed up the furniture." says Spaniel, "I'm in to get fixed."

"Ouch." Says Shepherd, "What about you Pitbull, what are you in for?"

"Well," says Pitbull, all bored, "My master has a daughter, and the bitch got a little too close to my food dish, so I had to chew her face off. I'm here to be put to sleep."

"Rough." Says Shepherd and Spaniel, "Rough."

"What about you Shepherd?" says Spaniel.

"Well," says Shepherd, "my master is a fine blonde, and she was wearing just a T-shirt. She bends over to pick up a sock, and I mounted her."

"Really?" says Pitbull, no longer bored.

"Yeah," says Shepherd, "I'm here to get my claws trimmed."

Pub boastings

Two guys are in the pub having a chat. Dave is enthusiastically relating his latest sexual experience.

"Yeah - so as I was walking home the other night, I crossed the train tracks and to my surprise there was a lady tied to the tracks, you know, just like in the old movies. I rushed over to and untied her moments before the next train came through. Soon enough I found myself in the bushes next to the track making sweet, sweet love to her for hours, in all positions. She banged like a dunny door in a cyclone."

"Wow!" exclaimed Steve. "How lucky was that? Did you get a good blow job?"

Dave looked up from his beer and sheepishly replied "Nah, mate. I couldn't find her head."

Little Billy

Little Billy wakes up in the middle of the night and hears strange sounds coming from his parents' bedroom. He sneaks up and nudges open the door, and sure enough, Mom's got her legs wide open and Dad is plowing her like there's no tomorrow. Billy sees this, gasps and runs away.

Dad just chuckles, but Mom slaps him and says "Dear, you'd better go and talk to Billy, I'm afraid we've upset him!"

Dad walks down the hall to Billy's room, and nobody's there. So he walks further down the hall and hears strange noises from the guest room. So he sneaks up and nudges the door open to find little Billy pumping away, fucking his grandmother hard in the ass.

Dad shouts "Billy! What the hell is wrong with you!"

Billy looks over his shoulder and replies "Yeah, not so funny when it's YOUR mom, is it?"

Army experience

A dad was telling his son about his worst day in the army. "It was the day we had to parachute from a plane," he starts. "When it got to be my turn, I looked down at the ground and said to myself there's no way I'm going to jump. Well, my Sargeant was the meanest SOB I've ever met, and he said 'Boy if you don't jump I'm gonna drop your pants and violate you right here and now.'"

The boy asks "Well did you jump?"

"A little bit, at first."